Black Women Don’t KNOW what they Really Want!


I’m back, it’s Millie with Millie in the City with the number one dating and relationship forum in the Washington, DC Metropolitan area.  Now that we have gotten that out the way, I want to discuss the many conversations I have had over the course of a year with Black men about the lack of support that they are they are not getting from Black Women.  So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: Black Women Don’t Know what They Really Want!

I know, I know, Black Women all over America probably hate me right but it has to be said.  I keep having these conversations with Black Men over and over again about the same thing: Lack of Support!  Now, to be fair, sometimes men don’t know what they want either, I get it.  However, we are talking about most times that have a great number of Men worried and left with the feeling of abandonment.

Let me give you a small taste of the conversations I have had in the last 2 weeks: (I will make it short, I promise):

One of my friends said that he has been dating a young lady for a while.  He has helped her with a job and been very supportive of her career.  Here is part of their conversation a month ago:

Him: Hey sweetheart, I was finally awarded that contract for my business, now I can work for myself.

Her: Oh, well don’t you have to wait for the money for a long time because it is contract?

Her: Why would you do that?

Her: I mean, you never have time for me

Her: I need someone who has time for me and because you are a good father to your 2 boys, there is no time for me.

Him: Huh?  I am fulfilling my dreams and I have been very supportive of your career.

Him: My boys are my number 1 priority, plus I no longer want to work hard to support someone’s business when I can put in that work to build my own Empire.  Plus, I make more than enough to stack my money for financial freedom.  I want us to be able to go on a real vacation soon and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Her: Well, you have changed, can you go back to the person I knew when we met?

Unfortunately, I have been having these conversations with Black Men for a while now and it is upsetting.  The Black Single Women I talk to know exactly what they DON’T want: Lame men, men who drink too much, men who won’t stop texting in the middle of the night, and so on and so on. But when it comes to what they want, what their heart really aches for and longs for, their deepest juiciest desires, they seem not know………really!

What is interesting is not just that a lot of women are not in touch with themselves or their desires, but that simultaneously, think they ARE.  This is why the guys are saying that most of the good men finish last. I think some Black Women get ideas about what they want from the media, their friends, their past experiences, or what they read in books. And what ends up getting pieced together are some images of what they want that is usually pretty generic — tall, dark, and handsome; bad boy but loves my mom; porn star in the bedroom and/or wholesome at dinner parties. This is why so many dating profiles sound the same. In fact, one of the most common things I hear Black Women say is that they think their problem is that they are too picky.

And while it sucks to not get what we want, the real horror starts when we get what we think we want and we still are not satisfied. When this happens, some of us tweak our list of what we think we want and set ourselves up for a repeat disappointment, some of us blame the other person, and some of us have existential crises.

As for me, I am more interested in figuring out what I really want (it’s much easier to get it that way), and as a Relationship and Dating Consultant, my ultimate goal is to help you figure that out, too. Most Black Women I know, for example, think they want to date a man taller than them. A friend of mine in particular is guilty of that at one point too, until she went on a date with a guy half an inch shorter than her. She kissed him for the first time and he held her confidently, kissed her deeply and left her feeling gorgeous and wanted. She loved that and it made her giggle and blush. A lot of short men struggle with feeling insecure about their height because it is our culture (and not just me) that confuses height and masculinity. This insecurity often leaves women without the experience they are looking for (that of being with someone strong, confident, and masculine). The result is that a lot of women may not want to date them (turning the whole thing in to a self-fulfilling prophecy), but their HEIGHT isn’t the issue — their insecurity about their height is. I said all of this to make a valid point that a lot of women want a man to make her fell feminine and sexy.

Case in point: When we are really happy and really turned on, it has little to do with the things we as a culture think we want in a partner. Attraction comes from how we feel when we are around a person, not from any particular stagnant quality they may possess. When we feel happy, confident, sexy, understood, respected, cherished, wanted, smart, and able, we think they are amazing! We have all had the experience of thinking “wow that person isn’t that hot, but there is just something about them.” On the other hand, we have all thought someone was hot until they opened their mouth. That “je ne sais quoi” is our experience of who we are when we are around a person, and it is independent of their body, their job, their taste in music, or their cooking skills.

In conclusion, here is the bad news: A lot of Black Men are fed up with Black Women because some are just not supportive and unfortunately, they find that support in other races.  So if  you are like a lot of Black Women who do not know what you REALLY want, in which case it’s time for you to start doing some serious soul searching to figure that out. Or, you are too focused on being the way you think other people want you to be — maybe they’ve even SAID that’s how they want you to be (but it probably isn’t). Focusing all your attention on those things that matter least is keeping you from being the kind of person people actually want to be with.

Here is the good news: It is simply the fact that you may need to check yourself first like a coat check at an exclusive Millie in the City event…. (yes I know, a shameless plug).  Or, you can simply check your support meter like you check for a supportive bra at Victoria Secret’s.  (Get this, the secret is simply knowing the TRUTH and accepting it)!






















Millie Holmes can be reached by email at or on Social Media:

Facebook: Millie Holmes

Facebook Page: Millie

Instagram: MillieintheCity

Twitter: Millieinthecity

Periscope: MillieintheCity

About the author

Millie Holmes


Click here to post a comment
  • Ife Ayo – WOW….WOW!!! And there are many black men out there guilty of the same. Brilliant article…#nailedit

  • Roderick – I can go on for days about this subject. Millie Holmes, you know my situation… But we men can’t say that about women.

    It’s not that they really don’t KNOW what they REALLY want…I think women know what they want, but us men don’t fit the bill.

  • Roderick – We all have our standards. The main thing is that you are happy.

  • Ife – WOW….WOW….WOW!!! And there are many black men out there guilty of the same. I have personally experienced everything highlighted in this article…..but I still love my black woman….Brilliant article…#nailedit

  • Ms. Monica – Here is a conversation i had a while ago with a guy. We were living together at the time:
    Me: babe can we talk?
    Him: sure. Everything ok?
    Me: not really. You have been very busy over the last month and our relationship is suffering.
    Him: sorry babe. You know I have been building my business, making contacts, and that takes a lot of time/effort.
    Me: yes i understand and support you because its important for both of us
    Him: so why are you acting like you dont understand?
    Me: our sex life is important too and i miss that
    Him: but babe…
    Me: Dude i only need 10 minutes of your time!!
    Him: damn

  • Ife replies to Monica – Wow……..I’m sure you got the drift and that’s why you all aren’t living together anymore.

  • Monica – I think it takes communication. My guy i was describing thought i wanted bubble bath, flowers , wine, dinner etc etc. I just wanted some good old fashioned sex.

  • Ife Ayo – I’m sure if he served that at least 3X a week….yall wld wld have worked out differently.

  • Monica Bradshaw – But he wasn’t and it was becoming a problem… lol

  • Ife Ayo – Ion blame you… doesn’t eat mac and cheese 😂😂

  • Roderick Dunston – Communication is the Key to everything!!

  • K Lowery Moore Exactly..BOTH sides are guilty! But I digress on this one…smh

  • JV Jones Great article Millie Holmes. I agree with a lot of it because I wrote about a similar thing myself. We Black Women need to take a look at self and appreciate a good Black Man because there are many others out there who are looking for one.

  • Anna McCombs – What I want money can’t buy. What I need is someone who can tell the truth 99.99 % if the time. That’s all