The Have and The Have Nots!


I’m back, it’s Millie with Millie in the City with the number one dating and relationship forum in the Washington, DC Metropolitan area.  Now that we have gotten that out the way, I want to discuss the issue of Single women making more money than the Single Men these days.  So in honor of that, this article is appropriately titled: The Haves and Haves Nots!

Chocolate City is infamous for Single women earning more than Single men.  But for my 32 year old friend, Sierra in IT, the pressure that ultimately ended her recent relationships was all right there, in the digits on her pay stub.  To be honest, the awkwardness started with dinner dates and simple nights out. She would want to try the latest downtown restaurants but her boyfriends, who worked in creative jobs that paid less than hers, preferred diners and sometimes carry-outs.  They have often been known to say to her, “Wow, you are so sophisticated, sometimes insulted her by saying” You are so bougie. ” A first glance of her townhouse would only reinforce the impression unfortunately and fortunately depending who you ask.  On the flip side of that, the men most certainly would not want her to see living situation.

I will tell you that one boyfriend she had was bold enough to say. “Look, it makes me really uncomfortable and feel some type of way that you make more money than me, I just wanted to put that out there out on the table and try my best to get over it.”  What do you know, he never got over it!  Here is what is worse, my friend really liked this guy.

My good friend Sierra’s, quandary is becoming more common for many women. For the first time, women in their 20s, 30’s and 40’s, who work full time or are Entrepreneurs, are earning higher wages than men in the same age range.  This money shift is playing out in new, unanticipated ways on the dating front. Women are encountering forms of hostility they were not prepared to meet, and are trying to figure out how to balance pride in their accomplishments against their perceived need to boost the egos of the men they date.

Many women on one hand are proud of their achievements, and they think they want a man who shares house chores and child care. But on the other hand they are scared by their own achievement, and they are a little nervous having a man who will not be the main breadwinner.

Affluent women are now saying that they are learning to advertise their good fortune in a way very different from their male counterparts.  To be honest, it is accepted, even desirable, to flaunt their high status.  Not so much for many women.  Sierra told me that sometimes dating considerably older men helps her avoid innuendos from men who feel threatened by her professional success.   You would not believe that Sierra sometimes has found herself clipping price tags off expensive clothes she buys on shopping binges, or hiding shopping bags in the closet just so men she was dating would not see them lying around and feel threatened by her spending power.

Although a shameless plug, this is the exact reason why I host my Ask Men Relationship Forums, to get down to the real truth from men.  Some guys do not want to admit they have a problem with it, because they do not want to be “that guy.”  One of Sierra’s boyfriends and many women I know have told me that their dates were no too comfortable with them paying for the date and so to make him feel better, they stay home and cook, or just get something cheap and even have to skip a movie.

Wowzers……..that is all I have to say about that!

Women have also said to me that the income disparity becomes obvious in all facets of dating: where you live, what you like to do for fun, how you travel and even gift giving.  It often comes down to minimizing who they are — successful, focused women — with their dates, who may be lagging a bit behind.  Although these women often say it is men who have issues around their higher salaries, sometimes it is the women themselves who are uncomfortable with the role reversal.

So of these women are concluding that it would be easier to date someone in the same economic bracket.  Some of the women have also said that they love traveling, going to the opera and good restaurants, it doesn’t have to be Per Se, but good food is important in their life and it is really hard sometimes to maintain the lifestyle that they are used to when they are in a relationship with a guy who makes less than they do.  Most of the women tell me that they do not wish to be paying for the guy there with all the damn time – sometimes but not all.

In conclusion, the discomfort over who pays for what seems to be not really about money, plain and simple.   Instead, it is expressive of the intricate psychology of what many of these women expect from their dates (for him to be a traditional breadwinner) and what they think they should expect (Oh, I just want him to be a nice guy).





















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Millie Holmes


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  • Roderick – Yes, men and women react to money differently. Yes, they have different scripts. And yes, I think it’s important to talk about it, instead of pretending money is the same for everybody.

    While I’m unsatisfied at my own income, with me working my way back from my down fall (2 stroke)….Being blessed to have a Queen in the perfect spot in an industry with a higher earning potential than mine, would not be a problem for me.

  • Monica said: Relationships are complex and your worth in it should not be based solely on your income contribution. I know of several relationships where the woman makes substantially more than the man and it does not seem to be a hindrance. Making money is not always an indicator of the ability to manage it. Everyone brings different skill sets to the table and those skills should be valued as assets to the relationship.